Midnight Supplication

What if I was broken
And I couldn't be direct?
My anger goes unspoken -
My defense is to reflect.

What if I was aching -
Harbored pain within my soul?
I smile, sometimes faking,
Afraid to lose control.

What if I had cancer?
A deadly form for sure:
Judgmental thoughts to answer
A heart not quite so pure.

What about my weakness?
It's hard to let things go;
I try to learn forgiveness,
But something doesn't flow.

I don't feel like the person
You seem somehow to see.
With every imperfection,
Could you really still love me?

I really admire Brene Brown. She is a researcher storyteller and I love her work. On her blog, she recently wrote about lovability:

Lovability: Many of my research participants who had gone through a painful breakup or divorce, been betrayed by a partner, or experienced a distant or uncaring relationship with a parent or family member spoke about responding to their pain with a story about being unlovable—a narrative questioning if they were worthy of being loved.

This may be the most dangerous conspiracy theory of all. If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the past thirteen years, it’s this: Just because someone isn’t willing or able to love us, it doesn’t mean that we are unlovable.

The ability of others to comprehend and see the worth in our decisions does not determine our value in the grand scheme of things.

"You can never see what your life is worth or where your value lies. You can never see with the eyes of man. You must look at your life. Look at your life through heaven's eyes." 

An Apology Overdue

(You know who you are),

I know I should have acknowledged this a long time ago, but I'm sorry that I doubt you all the time. I'm sorry for telling you that you are wrong. I don't know when you lost my trust. I've mistrusted you for as long as I can remember.

I used to look at you and wonder what others saw. My mom told me you were beautiful. I didn't believe her.

I'm sorry that I was mean to you when you were a teenager. You tried to use concealer and blush to cover the red acne-bumps. I pointed out every single one. I looked at you. I said you weren't enough. I told you that you were ugly. My friends told me not to be so hard on you. I tried, but, the routine was second nature.

Like last week, when you told me what you needed. I said you were dumb and selfish for wanting more than you had. All you wanted was to be understood, but I didn't want to even look. I cared too much how others felt. 

I'm trying to do better... Please say that you'll forgive me. 

I saw a picture on Facebook last week. It was from when you were 16. We were at a party and you looked gorgeous. How could I have have thought you weren't enough?

I'm going to make it up. I promise. Next time I look at you, I'll look for the good. I promise. 

I'm done insulting the mirror on the wall.

Dancing Lilies

Family makes nature even better. =)

Sometimes, life can get overwhelming. At times, it feels like I just want to lay in one spot and not move a muscle. That is when I know that I need to get outside.


I love nature. I think that it is one of the best ways to ground yourself and see the greater meaning in life. I know that whenever I go on a hike, or tour a garden, I am distinctly struck by a feeling of grandeur. It reminds me to look outside of myself and see the beauty that is assuredly all around us.

Dancing Lilies

The dancing lilies seem to ask,

"Didst thou forget the silent breeze,

The fragrant soil, the whisp'ring trees

That thy Father made for thee?"

I answer, "Only for a time."

To this the lilies do implore

That I will come and visit more;

For in their presence I will find

The most delightful peace of mind.

This is my tribute to Spring and Summer

"If you are looking for beauty everywhere, you will find it and you will become a part of it." 
-Ines Genster

Anywhere is another beginning.

I wrote this one back in 2013. It was inspired by an Enya song entitled "Anywhere Is." 

Enjoy!

Another Beginning

I used to think we'd never part;
The thought had never crossed my mind,
But now, I find I'm at the start
And your path, I've left behind.

Among the rocks, you now wind,
But I chose the straighter course.
At first offset, I seemed to find
My chosen path to be the source

Of obstacles so great a force
That I had not strength to stand,
And soon my weary voice grew hoarse
Calling, pleading for your hand.

This was not the end I planned!
But, somehow, I stumbled on
And I found a meadowland;
Eventually, your shadow gone,

I forgot to dwell upon
All the things I wished for you.
I almost cried to see the dawn
Shimmering on the morning dew.

A Long Day

There's a random staircase at the
  Edge of BYU. I pass it each day
     As I go to my car; yet, I've never
        Recognized that it was there. No,
           Not until today, coming from the
              Library, with my arms all full of
                 Books. I walk to the law building
                    Now by the Wilk, I look to my left.
                       A random staircase. What's below?
                          It's fenced around; the gate is broken.
                            So, I could easily descend, but I think
                               Someone would notice, see that I don't
                                  Belong. I was coming from the library
                                    With my arms all full of books and my
                                        Backpack with me too. An excuse, maybe,
                                           But that's no reason to avoid those innocent
                                              Steps. Could it be for me an image of life?
                                                 Are you constantly passing things by, afraid
                                                    To be found where you oughtn't belong? No,
                                                        No, I don't really want to debate this now. So,
                                                           I'll just stick to my arm, my arm full of books.
                                   

Ponderings of an Immortal Soul

I just saw a new video from USGA at BYU and I loved it. It inspired me to post this to support understanding and kindness towards everyone.

If we all truly understood what it meant to be a son or daughter of God, I feel that the world would be a very different place. We would no longer feel the need to compete or compare, for we would know and be secure in our own worth. We would seek to lift others and help them to know what we know. We would be filled with love and light.

At least, that is my theory. If we are more secure in ourselves, we are more free to be forgiving and understanding of others. That is part of why I write. My goal is to change the world, one word at a time.


Ponderings of an Immortal Soul
If I could just remember,
Those gleaming halls of gold,
What would I say?
What stories are untold?

If I could just remember,
That council long ago,
Would my choices be different?
Could my faith still grow?

If I could just remember,
Your voice declare, "I will."
Would I walk more straight before thee?
Would I be more grateful still?

If I could just remember,
My days with you, my brother,
Could I ever say an angry word?
Would we all love one another?

If I could just remember,
Your sacrifice so great
Watching you die on the cross
Could I ever go astray?

But I cannot remember,
It's sad to say, but true.
So, I can walk by faith
And someday love like you.

Wisdom of a Maid

Wrote this one in high school as well. It was a school assignment from my wonderful AP Literature teacher. We had to write a response to "The Passionate Shepherd to His Love." I decided to go a different route than my normal romantic self. So this is me rejecting a hypothetical proposal of marriage.

My AP Lit class is what got me writing poetry again. It became my outlet and relief. Letting myself express feelings onto paper helped me work through things and make sense of the whirlwind inside.

If there is anyone who feels trapped or confined within themselves, I would highly encourage you to try your hand at writing. Even if it is free verse with no rhyme or reason, just letting a constant flow of emotion out of you can be very therapeutic.

Wisdom of a Maid

Your voice is sweet as honeydew
And everything seems well to do.
A thousand times you've asked of me
If your beloved I would be.

And now this time, I'll take my stand
Wanting none of your demand.
I've laughed and smiled and been polite
And often took such comments light.

I've tried to use diplomacy;
These hints of mine, you fail to see.
I never loved. Do not requite.
This err of yours I now must right.

Your friendship I had aim to keep,
Till we ne'er more wake from sleep.
But since you will not let me be,
I shall gain my liberty.

Your heart as cold as ice sometimes,
Sweet melon fades to sour limes.
This temperament would clash with me
If your beloved I would be.

You're quick to judge what you don't know,
Producing your own passionate show!
You often lack integrity,
So your beloved I won't be.

Happy Easter: The Greatest Gift

If you know me, then you know that I LOVE bright and happy colors. That is probably part of the reason that I love Easter. There is so much life and color in that holiday. Another reason that Easter is my favorite holiday would be what it represents in my faith. I have always seen it as a day to honor my Savior, Jesus Christ, and appreciate the amazing things that He has done for me.

So, here is a poem that reflects on the greatest gift God ever gave human kind, His Only Begotten Son. Because of Him, we can be whoever we want to be. Because of Him, nothing is impossible. Hope you enjoy it.

HAPPY EASTER!!!!

He is the Gift

What is the Atonement?
What is it to me?
What did he do,
That man from Galilee?

It's a healing, a hope
That burns bright within;
A key to unlock
The shackles of sin.

He paid off my debt
And made my soul free
Anointed my eyes
With clay, now I see.

I lived in a dungeon
So dark and so dank
For my freedom, my Lord
I scarcely can thank.

Though my master, he served me
And took me unto
His chamber and groomed me
Until I looked new.

But, a jester cast out
From the king's court on high
Saw me and came
To swap truth for a lie.

"You're really not special.
The clothes that you wear
Are a mask just to fool
Those you think really care."

I cringe as he pokes
The newly formed scar.
Perhaps he is right,
I haven't come that far.

So, I crawl back into
My hole and forget
All the strength I had gained
"I'm not ready yet."

Then a messenger sent,
In my hour of need,
Reminds me the cost
So I could be freed.

I learn of my Savior
From this messenger true.
He helps me remember
The things I once knew.

So I put down the chains;
I'm no longer bound.
The key to the gate
Was long ago found.

The jester is gone.
The fog now has cleared.
I'm ready to face
What I once had feared.

Someday my Lord will
Come see me again
And welcome me back
Instead of condemn.

A voice in my mind
Says, "You're doing your part
To come before Him
With a purified heart."

I await now the call
To approach the king's throne
Where I'll lay down my life
For it was never my own.

The Power of Words

So much can be spoken. In so few words. The power to listen can work miracles in any kind of relationship, be it romantic, friendly, or familial.

Speak (Trying to Understand)
Hey, listen!
Run?
Walk?
PLEASE!
stop.
speak...
I'll listen.
Don't run.
Walk?
Please.
Just stop...
Wait...
Let's walk.
[ You
And Me.]

It's never too late to change where any relationship is heading or has gone. Change is possible. Hope is real. Life is amazing. Keep walking.

I hope you enjoyed my experiment with using punctuation to tell a story.

*Written Spring 2009

The Alchemist

Currently, I am in a play at BYU called "The Alchemist." It is adapted from the book written by Paulo Coehlo.

With a little over two weeks till we perform, I finally finished the book this morning. It is amazing! It is a story about a man named Santiago who finds himself drawn to discovering and fulfilling his own "Personal Legend." He has many encounters along his journey as he learns about the importance of letting go of fear and following his dreams. It is uplifting, inspiring and extremely well written. It was originally written in Portuguese, but has now been translated into 80 different languages, including English.

I have been amazed at how much of the book has been applicable to my own life. After all, the story of one man is the story of us all. It is quite a poetic novel if I may say so myself.

If you like "The Fault in our Stars," I would highly recommend checking out this amazing book as well. It provides a lot to contemplate. :)

Problems

Here is another poem by the lovely Syrena Finnell.

Problems

I have a lot of problems with me,
Just read this poem and you will see.
I'm allergic to touching certain plants;
I wonder if I'm allergic to touching ants...

Some body washes give me a rash.
If I were a computer, I would probably crash!
I'm allergic to things in some popcorns.
I've been this way since I was born.

If my hands get wet, my skin gets dry
Sometimes I feel like I'm going to cry.
And all these things that I have wrong,
I rightfully blame on my mom.

Pictures of the Past

This is a poem that I wrote in high school, so don't judge me. ;)

Pictures of the Past

This picture seems out of focus;
No more black and white.
Trying to wade through my past,
Who turned off my light?

It all seems so dim
As rainbows splash around.
Color by color flashes by,
Blurs with fading urban sound.

Trying to protect each other,
We deal out the pain.
Try to take the hand the we get;
Now, we'll see the rain.

Pressure on my hand releases
As we turn to go.
How this will end,
Neither one can know.

Fear and doubt give way
Just as I come to stand
And get back on the beam
Balancing above the land.

Finding Grace

This is one that I wrote a few years ago. It is still one of my favorites though. Sorry if you have already seen it. I just wanted to re-post it on my new blog because it really seems to go along with how I have been feeling lately. 


Finding Grace
Folded arms, bowing head,
Streaming tears upon my bed.
Pretense gone, lies forsook
Staring at that open book
Piercing words, parable,
Leads me to defer control.
Melting stone, changing heart
Filling in a missing part.
Speaking truth, hidden fears
Crying out till hope appears.
Searching soul, finding grace
Now safe within thy warm embrace.
Broken door, open wide
Lets him rush forth to my side.
Peaceful calm, He doth send
Oh Savior, my best friend.


Sometimes, change is hard and it can feel lonely. However, as I was driving home the other day, I just started talking to God. I told him how I felt that I wasn't doing enough. Then, the song "By Your Side" by Tenth Avenue North came on and I knew it was the Lord speaking back to me. "Why are you trying to earn grace?... Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?... I'll be by your side whenever you fall."

I Like to Read

Today, I am doing something a little different. My niece, Syrena, recited this poem to me this morning and I just loved it! So, I decided to feature her original work here on my blog! She is 10 years old, is president of her own country called the "Sassy States," in which she writes legislature, and in her free time, reads books and writes poems about it. She is wonderful!


I Like to Read
I like to read.
The book is my noble steed.
Every time I read,
I'm a princess with no greed.

I pick out a book;
I read, read, read.
It is so fun,
I love to read.

I read about dinosaurs,
With their stomping feet.
I read about fairies,
How they fleet, fleet, fleet.

Books of all different shapes and sizes,
To me, books are prizes.

By: Syrena Finnell

The Letter That Can't Be Sent

I visited Mom this week and wished her a Happy Valentines Day.

Some days are harder than others...

I love you Mom.

The Letter That Can't Be Sent

I miss you, Mom.

I yearn for your embrace.

Of course, it's not the end;

I know I'll see your face.

Yet, it's hard right now

To know you're not right here.

To come back home without

My mom to say, "Don't fear."

So, I wrote you a letter

But there's nothing I can do

I can't really mail it

So it sits and waits for you

Sometimes it just stabs afresh

While I keep stumbling along

And trying to forget--

Make out that I am strong

Some days, I guess 

Are harder than the rest.

Departure at Hand

I just returned from serving an 18 month mission for my church. While a missionary, I didn't have to worry about silly things like paying bills, enrolling in college classes, doing homework, dating, and many other various activities that an average 21 year old might stress out about.

Sure, I gained a lot of life experience dealing with such a variety of people, but for some reason, many returned missionaries struggle with the transition. Perhaps it is the sudden lack of a schedule, the awkwardness of dating, wanting to pray every time you are about to visit a friend, or the change in responsibility. Whatever it is, it is a common occurrence.

As I prepared to go home, I thought of who I had become over the last two years. Who would I be when I went home? Did I really do my best? Would I struggle with the changes? Was I really ready?

I am a big advocate for self-evaluation, so I took the questions to heart and started writing. This is what I came up with.

Departure at Hand

Is it really my time?

Oh Lord, must I go?

At the end of the road,

Do my efforts now show?

Did I labor with all

My heart and my might?

Or was I distracted

And lost out on light?

Did I keep all my cov'nants

Or just see the rules?

Did I trust in thy wisdom

Or seek to please fools?

Did I trust in my Savior;

Did I truly become?

When I struggled within

To His feet did I run?

Did I make my Lord proud?

When I see him again

Will I praise Him aloud

Or hide shameful in sin?

Now I look back and see

Through the course of my days

He saved my poor soul

In a number of ways.

No words can express

The thoughts of my heart.

He whispers to me,

"You've finished your part."

There's really no ending;

It's time to move forward

To another beginning.

Just keep looking onward.

Yes, I'm ready to go.

My departure is near

And the love of my Lord

Erases all fear.

I have fought a good fight

While my Lord kept me safe.

I have finished my course;

I have kept strong the faith.

See 2 Timothy 4:6-7