Age Before Beauty

So, for those of you who follow me on Facebook or Instagram, you've noticed that I am taking a stage make-up class this semester.

Coming into the class, I had no idea how much I would learn about self-worth. I mean, it's make-up!

I've gone back and forth with my self image for years. Some days I dress up and feel like a million dollars and some days, I look in the mirror and wonder why I bother. It's something I've been working on. 

So, when I told my husband that I needed to take a picture of myself without make-up on, he groaned, anticipating the self-critique that could ensue. I took the printed picture with me to make-up and get to use it to plan out what I will do with my face during each different project. I'll just say, I've spent more time staring at my face this semester than most times in my life and it has been interesting.

Anyway, this week, we learned to do middle age make-up. 

Yes, I know that this does not look middle aged, but remember, it is meant to be seen from the stage, where old looks middle aged and middle aged looks like their twenties. 

The point of middle aged is to find every wrinkle and imperfection in your face and accentuate it. Now, that may sound kind of awful, but all of the pressure to look "perfect" was gone and I LOVED it! 

It was really interesting to turn my perception of my splotchy skin, acne, and multitudinous wrinkles on its head. It was freeing. My skin was "perfect" for this make-up. I didn't feel self-conscious at all. (Probably because I knew that it could all wash off, but that's not the point!) The point is that we don't have be or look a certain way to practice self-compassion and love.

"Perfectionism is self-destructive simply because there is no such thing as perfect. Perfection is an unattainable goal. Additionally, perfectionism is more about perception--we want to be perceived as perfect. Again, this is unattainable--there is no way to control perception, regardless of how much time and energy we spend trying."    -- Brené Brown, "The Gifts of Imperfection

This year, I have a goal to be more authentic and self-compassionate. I'm giving up my addiction to perfectionism and fighting to own my vulnerabilities. It's a day to day thing, but I'm learning. It's my life, I might as well live it. =)

Embracing Failure

I know, it's been a while since I published anything on my blog. I have 4 drafts sitting here of posts I have started over the last year. I keep feeling like I need to make excuses and explain what has been going on over the last year.

I'm starting to accept, however, that I don't have to do things just right. I make mistakes a lot. I don't get done what I want to and I'm learning to let myself be okay with that.

Yesterday, I did a group lesson plan for my Elementary Drama class and it did not go as planned. We had trouble getting together to work on the lesson plan in person due to conflicting schedules and it showed. Putting together a project over google docs works better in theory than in practice. We got through it, but it was nothing like we had each envisioned.

After teaching, we had to reflect upon how it went. The three of us sat silently when asked what went well with the lesson, but our teacher wouldn't let us move on until we were able to see the gems in our perceived failure of a lesson.

Over the last year, I have started so many posts, but never felt like they were good enough, just like the lesson plan. I have seen that as a common thread in my life.

That's one reason that I am so grateful for my faith. I believe that God sees more potential and worth in me than I see in myself. Reminding myself that the purpose of life is to learn and grow gives me hope when I'm starting to slide into a self-depreciating spiral.

Every situation can give me experience and help me learn so that the future may be brighter.

Midnight Supplication

What if I was broken
And I couldn't be direct?
My anger goes unspoken -
My defense is to reflect.

What if I was aching -
Harbored pain within my soul?
I smile, sometimes faking,
Afraid to lose control.

What if I had cancer?
A deadly form for sure:
Judgmental thoughts to answer
A heart not quite so pure.

What about my weakness?
It's hard to let things go;
I try to learn forgiveness,
But something doesn't flow.

I don't feel like the person
You seem somehow to see.
With every imperfection,
Could you really still love me?

I really admire Brene Brown. She is a researcher storyteller and I love her work. On her blog, she recently wrote about lovability:

Lovability: Many of my research participants who had gone through a painful breakup or divorce, been betrayed by a partner, or experienced a distant or uncaring relationship with a parent or family member spoke about responding to their pain with a story about being unlovable—a narrative questioning if they were worthy of being loved.

This may be the most dangerous conspiracy theory of all. If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the past thirteen years, it’s this: Just because someone isn’t willing or able to love us, it doesn’t mean that we are unlovable.

The ability of others to comprehend and see the worth in our decisions does not determine our value in the grand scheme of things.

"You can never see what your life is worth or where your value lies. You can never see with the eyes of man. You must look at your life. Look at your life through heaven's eyes." 

An Apology Overdue

(You know who you are),

I know I should have acknowledged this a long time ago, but I'm sorry that I doubt you all the time. I'm sorry for telling you that you are wrong. I don't know when you lost my trust. I've mistrusted you for as long as I can remember.

I used to look at you and wonder what others saw. My mom told me you were beautiful. I didn't believe her.

I'm sorry that I was mean to you when you were a teenager. You tried to use concealer and blush to cover the red acne-bumps. I pointed out every single one. I looked at you. I said you weren't enough. I told you that you were ugly. My friends told me not to be so hard on you. I tried, but, the routine was second nature.

Like last week, when you told me what you needed. I said you were dumb and selfish for wanting more than you had. All you wanted was to be understood, but I didn't want to even look. I cared too much how others felt. 

I'm trying to do better... Please say that you'll forgive me. 

I saw a picture on Facebook last week. It was from when you were 16. We were at a party and you looked gorgeous. How could I have have thought you weren't enough?

I'm going to make it up. I promise. Next time I look at you, I'll look for the good. I promise. 

I'm done insulting the mirror on the wall.

Dancing Lilies

Family makes nature even better. =)

Sometimes, life can get overwhelming. At times, it feels like I just want to lay in one spot and not move a muscle. That is when I know that I need to get outside.


I love nature. I think that it is one of the best ways to ground yourself and see the greater meaning in life. I know that whenever I go on a hike, or tour a garden, I am distinctly struck by a feeling of grandeur. It reminds me to look outside of myself and see the beauty that is assuredly all around us.

Dancing Lilies

The dancing lilies seem to ask,

"Didst thou forget the silent breeze,

The fragrant soil, the whisp'ring trees

That thy Father made for thee?"

I answer, "Only for a time."

To this the lilies do implore

That I will come and visit more;

For in their presence I will find

The most delightful peace of mind.

This is my tribute to Spring and Summer

"If you are looking for beauty everywhere, you will find it and you will become a part of it." 
-Ines Genster

Anywhere is another beginning.

I wrote this one back in 2013. It was inspired by an Enya song entitled "Anywhere Is." 

Enjoy!

Another Beginning

I used to think we'd never part;
The thought had never crossed my mind,
But now, I find I'm at the start
And your path, I've left behind.

Among the rocks, you now wind,
But I chose the straighter course.
At first offset, I seemed to find
My chosen path to be the source

Of obstacles so great a force
That I had not strength to stand,
And soon my weary voice grew hoarse
Calling, pleading for your hand.

This was not the end I planned!
But, somehow, I stumbled on
And I found a meadowland;
Eventually, your shadow gone,

I forgot to dwell upon
All the things I wished for you.
I almost cried to see the dawn
Shimmering on the morning dew.

A Long Day

There's a random staircase at the
  Edge of BYU. I pass it each day
     As I go to my car; yet, I've never
        Recognized that it was there. No,
           Not until today, coming from the
              Library, with my arms all full of
                 Books. I walk to the law building
                    Now by the Wilk, I look to my left.
                       A random staircase. What's below?
                          It's fenced around; the gate is broken.
                            So, I could easily descend, but I think
                               Someone would notice, see that I don't
                                  Belong. I was coming from the library
                                    With my arms all full of books and my
                                        Backpack with me too. An excuse, maybe,
                                           But that's no reason to avoid those innocent
                                              Steps. Could it be for me an image of life?
                                                 Are you constantly passing things by, afraid
                                                    To be found where you oughtn't belong? No,
                                                        No, I don't really want to debate this now. So,
                                                           I'll just stick to my arm, my arm full of books.